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THESE B SRS RL.
OH WOEZ. SEE MA RL SRS BIZNUS FACE. >-(
I should probably stop talking in macro-speak if i want you to take me at all seriously.
However, this really is serious and crappy real life stuff, which I've been meaning to put up for a while.
But there is some fun stuff (Read: "Fangirl Stuff") too. Yay!
Ah well. C'est la vie.
I should probably stop talking in macro-speak if i want you to take me at all seriously.
However, this really is serious and crappy real life stuff, which I've been meaning to put up for a while.
But there is some fun stuff (Read: "Fangirl Stuff") too. Yay!
WELL. Basically, on the evening of Friday 26th October, over three weeks ago, I was at a party of a friend of mine (her parents were away). No, hang on, I have to go back a little more. Way back.
I have a friend who shall remain nameless. Let us call her The Friend. Imaginative, I know. Me and this Friend, we go way back, not in terms of actual years but in terms of the fact that she's gone through a lot of shit and I have been a better friend to her than I've ever been to anyone else, in that I was always there when she wanted to talk, let her confide in me, never told her secrets, gave her advice when appropriate and comfort when not and basically tried as hard as I could to help her. She's much better now (probably not thanks to me though :P) which is brilliant. However, she is still a compulsive liar (which, funnily enough, I always forget and believe everything she tells me, as with all my friends) and holds grudges for a really, really long time.
All in all, this makes me an idiot. Basically, she broke up with her boyfriend about two weeks prior to this incident, who shall henceforth be known as The Ex. They'd gone out for about seven or eight months, for about five of those months, she treated him like shit, avoiding him, testing him and so on and had even cheated on him. I hated this because he was a great guy, funny anf clever and all our fiends liked hanging out with him. Anyway, my Friend went off to Edingurgh to visit the university, met a firend of her brother's there and decided that she had instantly fallen in love with him. I know you shouldn't judge other people's feelings but...she just hadn't. So then she broke up with the Ex. The only conversation I had with her about it went something like this:
Me: That was quite drastic. Maybe you should have just suggested a break or something.
Friend: I guess. (pause) Oh well! *starts talking about something else*
So, in my defense, I really though she was over it. Soi went to this party, at which he was present because he's BFFs with the girl who was hosting it. And I drunk a lot, very quickly, was very very stupid, flirted a lot and ended up kissing him. Believe me, you don't need to tell me how stupid I was. The only "reason" i have is this: i was drunk and stupid, I didn't think she had any claim over him (or wanted any claim over him) and I just went for it because that is generally what I do at parties and I should really, really stop doing it because I end up with the numbers of people who look a lot less attractive in daylight.
Drunkenly, I staggered outside and phoned her, crying, apologising and telling her I loved her, i.e. making a spectacle of myself. I'm not proud. She sounded a little stunned and quiet, which was natural and a fair reaction. I didn't see her or speak to her again until Monday, when I immediately took her aside, apologised sincerely and hoped we could just move past it. She said "Ok", we hugged, I started acting the way we were before. That's when the Hell began.
She wouldn't speak to me, she wouldn't even look at me. If any of our friends were sitting with me in the Common Room, she'd glower silently and sit as far away as possible, looking forsaken and forlorn. If any of our friends were talking to me, she would purse her lips and march past, looking like she’d been betrayed. I managed to ignore this, pretty much, and carry on living my life, as before, which was seemingly a mistake. I compartmentalised my friend into one area of life and everything else into another and didn’t let them merge, so I managed not to feel too upset, at first. It was when my other friends told me the kind of thing she’d been saying about me and about how she’d been twisting the truth, saying I’d kissed her boyfriend and so on that I got really upset. So I had a big heart-to-heart with her. During this, she told me three things:
Christ, that's long. If you have put up with my woes thus far, well done! Now for your reward (which will be in devon): FANGIRLING!I have a friend who shall remain nameless. Let us call her The Friend. Imaginative, I know. Me and this Friend, we go way back, not in terms of actual years but in terms of the fact that she's gone through a lot of shit and I have been a better friend to her than I've ever been to anyone else, in that I was always there when she wanted to talk, let her confide in me, never told her secrets, gave her advice when appropriate and comfort when not and basically tried as hard as I could to help her. She's much better now (probably not thanks to me though :P) which is brilliant. However, she is still a compulsive liar (which, funnily enough, I always forget and believe everything she tells me, as with all my friends) and holds grudges for a really, really long time.
All in all, this makes me an idiot. Basically, she broke up with her boyfriend about two weeks prior to this incident, who shall henceforth be known as The Ex. They'd gone out for about seven or eight months, for about five of those months, she treated him like shit, avoiding him, testing him and so on and had even cheated on him. I hated this because he was a great guy, funny anf clever and all our fiends liked hanging out with him. Anyway, my Friend went off to Edingurgh to visit the university, met a firend of her brother's there and decided that she had instantly fallen in love with him. I know you shouldn't judge other people's feelings but...she just hadn't. So then she broke up with the Ex. The only conversation I had with her about it went something like this:
Me: That was quite drastic. Maybe you should have just suggested a break or something.
Friend: I guess. (pause) Oh well! *starts talking about something else*
So, in my defense, I really though she was over it. Soi went to this party, at which he was present because he's BFFs with the girl who was hosting it. And I drunk a lot, very quickly, was very very stupid, flirted a lot and ended up kissing him. Believe me, you don't need to tell me how stupid I was. The only "reason" i have is this: i was drunk and stupid, I didn't think she had any claim over him (or wanted any claim over him) and I just went for it because that is generally what I do at parties and I should really, really stop doing it because I end up with the numbers of people who look a lot less attractive in daylight.
Drunkenly, I staggered outside and phoned her, crying, apologising and telling her I loved her, i.e. making a spectacle of myself. I'm not proud. She sounded a little stunned and quiet, which was natural and a fair reaction. I didn't see her or speak to her again until Monday, when I immediately took her aside, apologised sincerely and hoped we could just move past it. She said "Ok", we hugged, I started acting the way we were before. That's when the Hell began.
She wouldn't speak to me, she wouldn't even look at me. If any of our friends were sitting with me in the Common Room, she'd glower silently and sit as far away as possible, looking forsaken and forlorn. If any of our friends were talking to me, she would purse her lips and march past, looking like she’d been betrayed. I managed to ignore this, pretty much, and carry on living my life, as before, which was seemingly a mistake. I compartmentalised my friend into one area of life and everything else into another and didn’t let them merge, so I managed not to feel too upset, at first. It was when my other friends told me the kind of thing she’d been saying about me and about how she’d been twisting the truth, saying I’d kissed her boyfriend and so on that I got really upset. So I had a big heart-to-heart with her. During this, she told me three things:
a) She was in love with the Ex and it had taken this to make her realise it.
b) I’d broken her heart and ruined any chance they ever had of getting back together.
c) I didn’t care about it, was acting like it had never happened and was apparently doing so because, as she put it, “I get that you’re proud.”
I, bewildered, agreed to all of these things. A mistake, really, because not a single one of them is true. I felt so, so upset- in my eyes, I’d been drunk and made a stupid mistake and for that I was truly sorry, but I didn’t think (and still don’t) that the situation was the way that she was saying it was. It was only when I spoke to my best friends (Code Names: Sad Cat and Squidge) that I realised what a jerk she was being and that I wasn’t to blame for any of this- that she was, in fact, making most of it up. I’d even say that I didn’t do anything morally wrong: me and the Ex were both free agents. I didn’t think that kissing someone’s ex a few weeks after they broke up was a social crime, really. If I’d lied- yes. If they’d been still going out- yes. If it had been the day after- yes. If I’d had any indication that she had feelings for him- then, yes, it would have been wrong. As it was, I still don’t think I did something morally bad. I didn’t act wisely or sensibly, I admit that freely, but it wasn’t malignant at all, it wasn’t “on purpose” or to hurt her.
This continued. She’d let me get a bit close, have a big talk to me, say we could start to move on and then if I tried to hug her the next day, shy away as though I was going to bite her. Eventually, it got to her birthday. Her 18th- massively special and important and she was having a huge meal at an Indian restaurant and had been making a huge deal about her invitations, guest list and seating plan (which was widely regarded with some chagrin- surely it would have been nicer to just let people sit wherever they wanted?) I hadn’t received an invite and didn’t expect to, although I was pretty devastated about this- I didn’t want to miss out on my best friend’s 18th, after several years of friendship, because of a stupid, drunken kiss. Sad Cat and Squidge and other BFF “Slash” were all telling her to invite me- eventually she did, the day before the meal, meaning I had to cancel babysitting at very short notice buy a present and make a card. But I did, because I wanted to go.
When I got there, I realised that she’d put me right at the end of the table, with people I didn’t know all that well, tucked away in the corner, out of sight of pretty much everyone and miles away from the ones I loved most, who were all in the centre of the table clustered around my Friend. Also, the Ex was sitting directly opposite her. It all just hit me, I felt like I was going to burst into tears, which Squidge spotted, comforted me and I felt much better. There was an empty space next to her so I went to sit by her for a bit, which was ok-ed by the Friend. Then I moved to go and sit by another friend, to chat, all before the food was ordered. Then I noticed the Friend storming out and Squidge went to comfort her. When Squidge came back in, she told me that the Friend was "upset by me moving around" and "every time she turned around, I was just there, ruining it", so could I "just stay in my place, please". Then I really felt like crying. I did have fun, in the end, but it wasn't great. Then, after opening my present (the Pete Docherty book), she smiled, said, "You know me too well", hugged me and then said, "I'm sorry about today, I just need a little more time."
I was thrilled that she apologised (even if just for that day) but I felt like exploding- how much more time does she need? Since then, things have slowly been getting better, in that she's talking to me about proper friend stuff and hanging out in a group, but she still tries to prove that my friends are on her side and she still acts like I'm going to attack her every time I come near.
I was thrilled that she apologised (even if just for that day) but I felt like exploding- how much more time does she need? Since then, things have slowly been getting better, in that she's talking to me about proper friend stuff and hanging out in a group, but she still tries to prove that my friends are on her side and she still acts like I'm going to attack her every time I come near.
I MET LEE!
Can't believe I didn't post this sooner but I went to see Joseph on the 5th November and it was DIVINE.
I was so scared it'd be an understudy, so I kind of steeled myself for that but then it was him and he was so unbelievably perfect, I can't imagine anyone playing the part ever. "Close Every Door" was so lovely, I nearly cried.
And then after, we were going to not bother waiting for him but everyone was crowding round a rope at the front and we were the last out of the building so I (sneaky fangirl), lead us straight into the middle at the front on our way out, and stayed there.
And then he came out! Oh, he was gloriously lovely and curly-haired and gorgeous and he gave out signed photos and then signed my double sided poster of him. First, I got him to sign the one of him in white, then he was coming back my way, so i flipped it over and got him to sign the other side- of him in the loincloth. And I looked him straight in the eye, smiled and said, "So I can alternate."
Now, of course, I realise that I sounded like a creepy perv but at the time it was brilliant.
Can't believe I didn't post this sooner but I went to see Joseph on the 5th November and it was DIVINE.
I was so scared it'd be an understudy, so I kind of steeled myself for that but then it was him and he was so unbelievably perfect, I can't imagine anyone playing the part ever. "Close Every Door" was so lovely, I nearly cried.
And then after, we were going to not bother waiting for him but everyone was crowding round a rope at the front and we were the last out of the building so I (sneaky fangirl), lead us straight into the middle at the front on our way out, and stayed there.
And then he came out! Oh, he was gloriously lovely and curly-haired and gorgeous and he gave out signed photos and then signed my double sided poster of him. First, I got him to sign the one of him in white, then he was coming back my way, so i flipped it over and got him to sign the other side- of him in the loincloth. And I looked him straight in the eye, smiled and said, "So I can alternate."
Now, of course, I realise that I sounded like a creepy perv but at the time it was brilliant.
Ah well. C'est la vie.
And also "So I can alternate." XD You win. =]
Lee was amaze. I walked away smiling massively. Then I actuall thought about what I said and went, "Oh Jesus' Holy Pyjamas, I think I just propositioned Lee Mead."
OMG LEE OMG. Flaaaaaaaaail!! Bless you, you little stalker you.